Faces In The Halls

Don't deny it, you know that deep inside you is a dark side that dwells and waits for an opportune moment to arise from the shadows. It wallows deep inside you festering with desires of unbidden thoughts and it just crawls inside waiting to crawl out of the recesses in which you oppress it.

The light in you forces it back, drawing that clear line between right and wrong and you understand the consequences between right and wrong. After all, the sweetest rewards come to those who are right, who are righteous, while the wrong and the damned be punished by your misdeeds.

And yet, the path of the wild side is ever so tempting to take and you feel the thrill of the danger and the risk that you make of yourself.

Don't deny the demon in you.Embrace it for what it is. Make love to that demon, kiss it, lick it, spread that demon's legs and just give in to every desire that you desire of, treat that demon right as you take the path of the wild side.

The danger is liberated and for awhile, you feel free. The light troubles you, shines a light on your sins and you know where you stand between right and wrong.

Then again, how would you ever feel right if you've never done any wrong.

This liquid darkness that I sip as the heat dissipates from the porcelain bitters my tongue. It's taste, a different appreciation and yet, every sip keeps a flame in me burning as I strike a match and let that match burn the burnt taste of my tongue, the bitterness at the back of my tongue caressing like a lovers touch.

I take another sip. I swallow and the bitterness lingers. I feel the temptation of milk and honey to soothe the bitter ache but I know that such light food will douse the fierce burning beneath my pit and I will just succumb to just crash... and burn as I fall through the sky like a meteor from a dying star.

And all I seek is comfort and warmth from soft linen and a good night's sleep.

I take another sip of the ink black liquid of my porcelain mug. They call it tribute. The full bodied flavor rests heavily on my tongue like a sleeping giant.

The pits of my underworld grumble as the black rich liquid slowly disappears, everything that I've ever held back, I release with a single breath. My mind races to find the words that I am typing down in this computer and I feel like words and words and words keep pouring from my fingertips like drops of dew from a blade of grass, each twinkle a glimmer of the remnants that use to be my mind.

I think I've lost my mind a long time ago, sense made me lose my mind for this mind that I command is not what it used to be but with each passing discovery of a word, my old mind returns, making the right connections like an old reboot of a computer after centuries past of decay.

The rhythm fluctuates and I dip and the demon in me toys and toys with my pleasures as the lady beside me awakens from her slumber, her desires unexplored.

My desires unexplored.

I yearn for a different body, a different name. All ending up in the same desires to fulfill and I burn in the pits of regret and regression.

My mind is an aggression, you can't tell me what to do. You're not my daddy because daddy left for 5 other daughters and woman I barely know. Why are you a demon in my life daddy? Why? You were that knight in shining armor a long time ago.

But the armor's rust, and wood's turn to dust and I am standing here a memory of what you left behind a long time ago. What I am is a demon, a fire breathing, oil drinking, lust hungered demon waiting to be the monster that you long forgot but can never forget and no matter what you think, you know that you played a huge part into making this monster.

I stoke the flame within me.

Don't deny it. There's a demon inside of us.

In as series of flashes in my dreams, these were the events that transpired in my dreams.

It started out with a celebration of finding out that the love of my life is pregnant, carrying our first child. And we understood that this was our first step and journey into parenthood.

We were both nervous. We were both afraid but we had each other and we knew that we could raise at least a child together.

It marked my first journey as a father and hell, I was scared and at the same time, excited.

The dreams flashes ahead into the day when the love of my life was in labor. It was nerve wrecking as it doesn't seem normal that night when she was about to give birth. Her water broke but it wasn't water as I expected it to be, instead, it had a tinge of red and I knew that something wasn't right.

We rushed to the hospital and she was wheeled into the delivery room. I couldn't go in because things were a little bit more complicated. It was all garbled and I was left to wait outside by myself. There was no one else around me. I was just by myself and I was scared.

My child and my wife, struggling and I couldn't even be there for them. Hell of a way to bring a man to his knees as he waits for life.

Then the nurse comes in and tells me that everything was alright. My wife was resting but the baby wasn't there. Her eyes opened and she told me that everything was alright. She told me she could do with a foot massage and we laughed.

The doctor brought me to the nursery and wrapped in blue, was a tiny boy snuggled up like a cocoon beneath his blankets. He was a little bit pink but he was sound asleep.

The dream flashes ahead and I'm in his room, and he's playing with his hands and making a grab for my fingers as i wave them in his tiny face. He was amused and irritated all at the same time.

The dream flashes ahead and now he is three years old. He is fair, he runs and he has his mother's eyes and his mother's smile. And when he smiles, he bites his tongue like his mother does. He has the wave of his mother's hair but it ends up in a curl just like mine.

And in a distance, I called out, "Jake!" and he comes running to me laughing and happy.

And then my dream ends.

I dreamed of my boy last weekend. And his name was Jacob.

Hey you guys, I know, it's been ages since I've posted anything up on this online diary of mine and the halls kinda seem abandoned for awhile huh? I mean, twists and turns wise, you know, it's like when you travel through the halls these days, you wonder if you're getting close to your graduation at all and even if you were, did it turn out the way you wanted it to be in the first place huh?

Think is, that's life and we don't know where that road takes us and which cross roads we will come across and in the end of the day, when you look back, you'll come to realize that the journey you make is entirely yours. The decision you make, it's yours and you decide what's right and what's easy,

I'm on a hyper ventilated coffee rush as of the moments and I'm going crazy as it is, the wife sleeping and snoring comfortably on one side of the bed. It isn't insomnia that's kicking in, it's the caffeine and it's due to the fact that I wanted to keep myself awake for her. And I let myself let her take a snooze for a couple of hours but once the slumber set's in, you know there's a tough journey wanting to get her out of bed not cranky. And I myself am just a tad bit exhausted, having went through a load of laundry in time for her to wake up.

How's things in my other form of life? Army wise, I'm close to my first anniversary! Yay! It'll be about next week when I become a 1 year soldier and have only one more year to go... jeez. There's nothing like something like that to jet set your life to a screeching halt and grab you by the neck and say, "HOLD UP SOLDIER! YOU AIN'T EVEN CLOSE TO BECOMING DONE FOR YOUR SERVICE! NOW KNOCK IT DOWN AND GIVE ME TWENTY DIAMONDS!"

It came to that a few times in camp and there were worst days. Like these days when they make you feel like an object, an unnecessary pawn they have no idea where to place so they shelve it in a safe corner as he watches all the action go by for the rest of his pawn mates.
You rot when you're in that state, and when it does, each day just seems a waste in your service and seeing that one unit that I so badly yearn to be a part with, it depresses me.

I come to wonder whether I'm gonna get anything right.

I really hope it just gets something right, anything. I'm tired of shenanigans that get me to nowhere.
Sigh.

Just one more year, and I'm gonna move forward.
One more year.

So... It has been quite sometime since I updated huh?

Well, it has been quite eventful. Very eventful actually, ever since I got married and moved on, the past one month into my 20th birthday has been, difficult, not to say hard for me to cope but... you know, eventful.

First things for the start, I just moved out of my Jurong East home, a home I called since I was thirteen and now, I've finally actually left it. I used to call it home and every time I'm in Jurong East, it has always been a familiar place but now, it isn't that place anymore for me. Jurong East has appeared to be another space that I can't quite comprehend if that is the right way to write this sentence.

It still gets to me... It does. I mean, I just, I don't know. Who would have thought that me being thrown out of my own due to defiance would be a chapter in my life.

But I'll get along. There's always home somewhere.

I didn't get into the Silent Precision Drill Squad (SPDS). Bummer. I mean, I figured that I was going to be doing drills and ceremonies for the rest of my NS life but after being kicked out of the squad, not say kicked out but not selected, things just doesn't come into that much perspective. I always thought that doing drills would be bring meaning to my time in my service instead of just doing some clerical work in some office but if that's what i have to end up doing, I'll just find things to make my time much more worthwhile other than just finding meaning in my menial service for the army.

And I'm losing touch with some of my friends. One friend in particular and truth be told, I'm awfully worried.

But the way I see things, all this is a baptism of fire for me where I'll emerge shining amidst all the stress and pressure of what's my life come to be. There's two things that cannot happen to me in this chapter.

1. I cannot break.
2. I cannot let that fire in me die out just because things have just come down for the worst.

These are the two things that make me whole as a person and the very reason why I can always get by every single day.

Every single day.

Things just have to get better from here on. It just has to and if it doesn't, it just means that it hasn't come full circle before things start picking up again.

He woke up this morning and he wonders how he does it every single day.

To all you cheating men out there. Tsk!

There's nothing like rocking out with pride and proud to be South East Asian.

It just occured to me, why do so many people take up so much effort in their lives at times and then do certain actions in their lives that make no sense at all.

One, that is, why would people (well, couples, mostly) spend so much money and time and effort to one day officiate their love for each other, have a huge wedding that costs more than any house in Singapore and then, somewhere down the road, they throw all of that away when they are unhappy with each other and then divorce.

I mean, look at it at a lowly middle class dreamer watching celebrities spend ten times you earn on one day and night and one honeymoon and then a few months or years later, just separate from each other as if all that money and effort spent day and night was nothing at all.

I'm not condoning the efforts that newly weds make or the one effort that I will be making. It's just that, the actions of what people have done made me wonder if all their effort was really worth it.

And how about education?

You spend so much money and effort to achieve your dreams and then somewhere along that line, that dreams must be dashed because the life you live in can't afford that dream and you take the time to re consider and do something else so that you children could have dinner tonight. Tragic as it is but true. It happens and it would probably happen in this fast and rapid changing world.

So sometimes, ask yourself, for yourself, is it really worth the effort?

The principal announced that as of this moment, you live in a world of what if's and could haves and when you graduate, he announces that the world you will live will be the world of it's probably going to happen as much as you deny it. Then the principal said good day and told everyone to get back to class. I stood at that empty hallway without a hall pass and the doors stood agape right in front of me. Class didn't seem to be worth the effort.

But I went anyway.

Ha HA!

I've finally graduated and passed out as a Silent Precision Drill trained soldier. And can you believe it! Never have I thought that I will be receiving a badge during my National Service Term!

I mean, only specialist and officers and commandos and guardsmen go through one hell of a course to get badges but who in the world thought I'd actually earn a badge and that I'd actually survived the toughest course to go through in MP Command!

(Information about the course shall be disclosed and not mentioned in this blog due to it's sensitivity and the fact that if I blog down too much, I'd be in soooo much trouble.)

Anyway! Yup!

Your's truly will be performing in this year's National Day Parade twirling rifles in the air and you, my friend, will be awed!

Spin Rifle! Saturn Exchange! Hello Panda!

ha HA!

I got hit in the face by my M4 rifle the other day.

It hurt. It still does a bit.

Now I can't wink with my right eye. Not that well anyway.

It is not a good thing when your face gets hit with a rifle butt.

Another day of training.

Another day filled with mostly physical pain.

Another day waiting for a turn at the computer.

Another day, another dollar I guess.

But today, I can't really get a massage so I'll just settle to soothing my pain on print and honest to blog.

Ouch... My aching shoulders.

Dear Readers! (if there is any...)

Apologies for the inconsistent updates on the blog of yours truly so here's a brief update on what the hell is going in my life (on a lighter note, maybe this blog post is really for me but I don't know)

Read on, since you're that into my life in the first place.

For the time being, I'm currently part of the Silent Precision Drill Squad, a sort of disciplined performance group in the SAF and apparently, I'm lined up to participate for The National Day Parade so boy do I have a lot lined up for me for these coming months. I'm currently taking up the course that would qualify me in the squad so that's that. It's so tiring! My muscles are growing AND aching at the same time so let's just hope that the buff me won't scare the kids away.

Also currently taking up the marriage course in Inspirasi, which goes co-currently with my training in the army so yeah, I've got quite a lot on my plate for the moment. phew~

And yeah. the wedding is definitely on. This boy is getting married sometime after march, around Mid to End of April but definitely sometime this coming month.

I suppose I should sound extra excited of the upcoming event of my life and truth be told, I am, it's amazing that I'm actually embarking on this journey and I am fortunate enough that I found the love of my life.

Life just appears to be a little scary for awhile and sometimes, I'm not sure if I'm ready to face it. I know I can but whether I'm really ready or not. I don't know.

I just think too much and I get so stressed up over that, that I just. It's affecting the people closest to me and that scares me.

I'm afraid of losing the people closest to me, having lost the kin that was supposed to be there already. My family is angry at me over my angry email and I'm, I'm just here having to face the future that is mine.

Zahid needs better English on his blog. He's losing it!

I need to soothe the ache I guess cause I need to be strong and ready for what's to come.

But most importantly, I need to be me. There's no different person other than me that can take that place beside the throne of my queen.

The graduates of Crush High ran past us and left a corridor of Diplomas and Dreams that pave our way to the future that is ours. I grasp her hand and told her I'm ready and I smiled. She didn't really grasp back.

My Father has passed on today, on the 24th February 2009.
He is still alive, just dead to me as of this moment.

I am Megah Laksana, Son of Nora Nilawati Soejono.

And perhaps, I've finally moved on from this moment on.

Go on with your lives now as I go on with mine.

I'll see you sometime in the year of Two Thousand and Nine.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!
(OKAY, SO ITS A BIT TOO LATE BUT EVERYBODY'S A BIT TOO LATE SO WHAT THE HELL...)

Thanks Vic.

The world seem clearer now.

God I missed so many things... And just so you know, I am certainly not dead as the hair that is stuffed at the corner of my house in a Starbucks bag (okay, you didn't need to know that) point is, I miss so many things out there that I miss out just because I serve too many a portion of my time in the Military.

And believe me, I'm not so much into the Military. I'm just doing what I need to do before I get my life back on track. And believe me, I could get this blog up and running again but my dad's stop paying the bills and my lappy is totaled so for the time being, I'm just skimping off people's laptops and doing stuff for my own sake on their turf so that I can let you guys know that there is a reason to visit my blog once in awhile.

Just so you know, I have done Military Training. And the only information that I can disclosed on the internet is that, It just Basic. That's all you need to know from here folks. Anything else, just talk to me personally and call me up. Sure there's a reason for you to call your favorite Afro Buddy once in a while (okay, now its Bald Buddy but you get the point).

How has things been in my life? Mm... Nothing's changed that much really. I'm still broke at moments in the month (and hating that feeling). Still try my best to hang with my best friends (Zahid I will find the time during my leave to spend time with you whether you like it or not because Buddy I FREAKING MISS YOU!). I'll be finishing my initial Military training in like next week and begin my other national service stuff subsequently so the way I see it, these two years are going to pass by real quickly and before I know it, I'd be out and I'll be a free man again (or free boy according to the love of my life.)

And things with the love of my life? It's been a year can you believe it? One year. And I have to say, the happiest year of my life really and its been a real adventure. Really. Thinking back about it, the shenanigans that we get ourselves into and the trouble and the times we stick together.

She really is the one I'm going to marry. She's the one I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.
And it's going to happen this December. Some story huh?

I miss my hair. I miss my mom. I especially miss her, depresses me that I haven't seen her in more than six months.

But I get on with and one day, she'll see me again. Me and my sister.

And she'll see how life has been for me in Singapore.

Yeah... that's me. The boy in that little tiny island. And my story thus far.

So till the next opportune moment. Just don't catch me dead.

Today marks the last day I work in Starbucks.

That is. For awhile before I go back after serving 2 years of National Service.

Thank you Starbucks. Thank you Partners.

Thank you for the experience.

I am always CP's POS King!

WHAT IN THE WORLD JUST HAPPENED THIS WEEKEND!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT WHO or WHAT or WHY?

JUST...

WHAT IN THE WORLD JUST HAPPENED THIS WEEKEND!

I just got back from an exhausting night of the night shift and honestly speaking, plonking in front of the net isn't really helping me in any way at all, but I guess updating a little something on the bloggers isn't gonna hurt.

Sigh.

I feel... bleh... and its the same feeling that hits me when I don't get things quickly enough and when I do, it feels like its too late.
You know that feeling? I don't know because I don't know you or you wouldn't know me well enough (not directed to anyone close or personal, just being on a general level to whoever reads this)

I guess I really need to pick things up more quickly, be more receptive. More responsive.

I need to find my happy back and isn't the Micheal happy but the happy I used to have and enjoy spreading around because I know things can be okay.

I need my happy back and pin it on my top wherever I am. In love, In life, In silent whispers of the night.

I pinned my happy and made sure it stuck there till it got rusty. It got rusty so polishing it would only mean more silver in pockets. My happy is a silver shiny happy that gleams like a laser through the bend of time and reality,

I like my happy. I hope you feel the same way too.

Wow.

That's all I have to say when I take a step back and look beyond what has happened and what is most probably going to happen.

About me ever going to be okay. Probably. I don't know.

And I'm tired and no matter how much I distract myself or go far away and try to breathe, my mind distorts and the pieces that worry fragment and dis contort within itself making the path ahead of me so shaky and ever so scary.

But I have her by my side and I know that the Man Upstairs has laid down the delicate intricateness of my life and it all hang in the balance of the actions that I take my self upon thus far.

And honestly speaking. I am ever so very afraid. I am so afraid and I feel so small at times.

I miss and push too many people away from me, and I fear, still fear of losing the one I hold the dearest and I am ever so tired.

So tired and worried.

I worry too much but I know for sure of what I want and of what I need.

You.

First and for most to my religious readers of Faces In The Halls, I have to apologize for not updating you guys about the going ons on my really interesting life and I do know that you fans out there are just humbly anticipating my experience on my birthday, so apologies for being a week late or so, so I'll let you know on the low down on what has happpened so far.

First up, was privileged enough to get three days of so I was able to spend time whomever I wanted to and surprise,. surprise, I decided to spend it with my one and only. Truth be told, I seem to have found so much comfort in her house, like there's a warmth that is absent in my own house so it was nice to feel that feeling again. Sad huh? That I feel more at home at other people's places but not in my own house. Ah well~

Anyway, I end up spending time with Wahidah and Qadirah and Hidayat, and one way or another, we found ourselves playing monopoly again. I believe I'm getting addicted to that game, seeing that I have not played that in a while. In a really long while really. Ahahahaha. And Wahidah's mom was nice enough to wish me a pre-birthday wish and I got a cake on that day so it was really nice.

I thank her and her family for being so wishful (I guess that's the word) on my birthday.

Then on my birthday, I got a real treat from my one and only. I dressed myself up all prim and proper because she decided to take me to Fish and Co. for dinner and my, that was a wonderful dinner I'd have to say because the panned cook seafood with the rice and the mm.... I'm drooling myself right now and I can't wait to have another meal there one day. Mm...~

And then I puked on the way back home. I guess a little over indulgence such as that has its toll but I know what to avoid right now, everytime I eat at that place. Still, good is good and fair is fair and I love every minute of my birthday evening. No loving kisses cause I smell and slather of puke but what the hell. oh! and I had a surprise visit from Ayuni which was such a blessing. It was really nice to see her again and she got me two really awesome gifts. I'm a sucker for gifts because you know, I never really receive that much trinkets that I can keep close to my heart but what the heck, I got four awesome gifts and that's that for my end.

Certain people couldn't care less but hey, you know, what the heck. I got by it and its okay.

It was awesome. All I have to do now is to look forward to turning a certain age where 2 begins as the first digit. My, my... I can't believe its been that long.

He puked on the train, repelling three people simulatneously and on his best suit too. Those were his moments that began his 19th year.

There isn't anything else that I want to say anymore.

I have nothing to say anymore like some people I live with and I'm on the verge of giving up as of right now.

And I am tired. Really, Really tired.

I don't want to give up but I just can't find the energy to go on anymore.

And if you want to get out of my life then fine.

One day. You won't find me anywhere anymore and you'll never ever see me ever again.

Since you have nothing to say to me anymore then I might as well disappear and you and your good buddy Cik Mimi and everybody else wouldn't have to bother about me anymore because I can live my life on my own and I can make my own family somewhere because you wouldn't open up to me.

And fuck you about me treating this family like shit since you came back from China. You guys deserve the shit I'm giving you because I've had enough of the shit you give my family.

Don't tell me I wasted my life because shitty people who treat their families really shitty would not encourage and support one another in what ever trouble they have gone through.

Don't tell me I wasted anything because I didn't. I don't have to prove anything to you.

I'm tired. I'm pissed.

I'm really tired really. So tired.

I just wish my aunt would go to hell and my would be here instead of her. My aunt could just rot with her kidney failure and die painfully for all I care.

Wooo~

Alright... I've over at my best friends house catching up with him and having one of his nieces scream in my ear because she's too freaked out of my hair and he decides to give me some hang time on the net and it's been too long since I blogged so here's an update on what's been going on the fun fantasy ride that is M. Laksana (my best friend is having too much on the mac... and my girlfriend thinks I'm such a goof)

Anyway! I've been working, slaving over customers with coffee, frappuccinos and foodstuff just so they are satisfied with their money's worth of satisfaction with a smile and I have to say, I am a bit tired.
In addition to work, I'd have to look forward to rehearsals and stuff and I have not touched my script yet so I am a bit tad concerned but on the overall, I look forward to the pay that I will receive next month.

And me and Wahidah has gone through our 6th month in our relationship and i have to say, I am the luckiest and happiest guy with her. I love her so much and even though we didn't anything of great significance, just being in her company is the best feeling ever.

Richard from friends once said "Go get her Chandler, and never let her go." And I won't. (And not in the obsessive boyfriend way.) I'm so glad that she's I've made her the happiest that she's been.

I have a show in September and I have a few events planned out. Like a class reunion, the shaving of my head, my birthday, the What Is Your Favorite Color event at Baybeats, My birthday... Did I mention MY BIRTHDAY???

ahahahahaha!

I miss so many people. I miss my mum. I miss my sister as well. We seem to be in different time zones these days.

I don't want to miss my aunt. I hope she leaves... That's all. At least I know I'll be leaving soon. Mm...

Ah well...

I can't wait to visit a few more personalities in the coming week and I look forward to catch up with them. :)
ahahahaha~

I smiled at the little girl. And she screamed.

Oh Ya!

My computer is on corrupt so I need to send it for repair.
I just fear losing everything I have on that computer... AIYAAAA!

And it's been 10 days since I updated... Man... What an emotional 10 day week... (Hah?)

Phew!

That's what I've got to say. Not that what' I've been through has been such a chore and wreck. In fact, it has been quite a learning experience for me, and I found something back from which I lost from before.

You know how sometimes you seem to have lost something that fuels your passion and drive? Well, that flames has been on an all time low for the past few weeks until my girlfriend showed me that life expects a little bit more than just enough because just enough isn't enough get things done.

And I need to do a whole lot more to achieve what I need to achieve. And to patch up stuff with what I have at home, I have to try a whole lot harder. But I jsut hope that they aren't the only ones that are making that effort. Because its going to be pointless if I'm the only one doing something. I just hope my cousins could help me out.

I'm glad I could win back the heart of my girlfriend. We've been through a bit rough patches, but we always manage to pull through. Well... at least I fight for us to always pull through and she does the same as well in this relationship.

I can't wait for my cousins to come down and I can't wait to start my new job at Starbucks! I've learned of so many things at the Starbucks course and all of us are so easy to click with each other.

Believe or not, Starbucks is out to conquer the world to bring people together, one cup at a time.

Behind every government is a Starbucks.

Ah~

I finally watched a movies after an absence from the cinema for over a million years (an exaggeration) and I decided to catch and witness for myself the hype that was meant to be 'The' Movie of 2008.

I'd have to disagree... Ironman isn't really what'd I call 'The' Movie but I have to say its a milestone for Marvel as they do get better and better with the characters that they put on screen.

Upcomings like "The Incredible Hulk" promises to be a much better version that the other attempted flick having casted the more suitable Edward Norton and I just hope that the Marvel flicks promises to be much better than everything else that has been shown before.

I was suppose to catch this with my girlfriend, but instincts tells us that we don't want to end up back in square one with our current situation that affects external parties so I'd have to say to her, it's okay. We'll catch other movies and we will go on our other memorable cinematic adventures where we'll have our shushes and mini arguments over the snacks that I had to buy before the movie starts.

Still waiting for that call, (I just had a call on my home phone and I prayed a mini prayer it was Starbucks but when I picked up, it hanged up... aaargh~)

Ah well... I had my mini inspirations in my head and I'm going to write now.

And I'll look forward to what's to come.

The chitter chatter of the mother behind me made me wish I had a pistol that I could shoot at either her or myself. She then spilled her drink.

Woo Hoo!

I've got a job at Starbucks! I think... Interview's tomorrow and I'm just ready to work my ass off and earn some bucks to pass the time... you know what i mean?

So yeah... I've got something to do...

Still don't feel at home... Aunt has an evil pig smirk and sister just constantly ignores me.... Doesn't bother me... I'll find a step to make things better that I believe is right...

We'll all be alright... I hope...

Doesn't matter... It burns... but it doesn't matter...

The smell of coffee waft as he hands in his application. It's a dedication to a home that just seem too silent. His cheeks are stained with enough tears as it is.

I messed up... Big Time...

The way I said stuff and the stuff I screw up at... I hurt people I never wanted to hurt in my life...

And I screwed that up...

i just wish I could take it all back to change things... Change things to the way they were...

I screwed up... Big time...

She wouldn't face me in the halls... she ran off going to the girls toilet instead and I banged my head on the locker all afternoon till my forehead run red.

So yeah,

It's a Saturday and nothing's changed so far in the household. Aunt is acting as if I'm not here at all. She's not talking to me unless she wants to spite me and my sister has barely peeped at me even though I'm at home all day.

And she tells me I'm not here.

Ah well, that's alright because I've got other company to make my day and amuse me with life before I realize I'm at the deep end of depression. Doesn't matter.

I have a reason to stay happy. I don't know what it is. Let it be good movies, greater friends or just the simple things in life. Doesn't matter.

Anyway, doesn't matter cause I still can get in and out of the house no matter how many times they try to lock me out. And I've got so much more to look forward to.

And I still don't know if I want to spend time with my dad. I might. I might not. I don't know.

Same frequency, different day. That's how it is here in Singapore.

I guess this is how my sister feels when no one is really speaking to her huh? I have a hunch that my evil kidney failing aunt has got to do with this conspiracy. She might deny it, but she's a liar of a dyke anyway. All I hope is that she rots and dies with all her lies. Ahahahahahahaha.... god I sound so evil with contempt.

Life has gone in on the same frequency and all that fills me up is rice and eggs. Can't cook it cause an evil aunt is stuffing her face in the kitchen.

Phew... We now resume to our daily regulated channels where I find myself in situations in which I cannot believe.

Yeah, so just so you know, on my continuation of my confrontations in the house, I decided to let loose and just get out of the house. My dad called and gave me some comfort, I have to say and gave me an option to come see him over the long holiday before I go into the army and I'm thinking, maybe I should take that trip. It would do me good.

Anyway, I got a call from Victoria and she told me of the class chalet from my ex-class and over all the bullshit that I have to go through, I decided that amending wrongs from some other people is something I could do over my conscience.

So I apologized to the whole Technical Theatre Level 1 for being an asshole for pulling out and that I hope they would forgive me for the wrongs that I've done to them. I apologize again if any of you are reading this.

And so, I stood by and spent the night with the Technical Mates. I saw some irony, some nice memories that I've probably made with some of the people. There were stories of national service, of old ghost and disturbing transsexuals. Ahahaha... Its hilarious what commandos do the residents and hawks of Changi Village.

I stayed overnight, and when I got home, the door was locked, as usual and I end up having to use another route which shall not be mentioned just in case anyone decides to burgle my house and find out about that risky route.

On another note, I did the unthinkable and crashed my girlfriends opening CCA welcome party and I pretended to be a Singapore Polytechnic student. Ahahahaha.... feels good you know to act as if I'm a student. It's hilarious and I might kick in for one more session and that drop the bomb at them and tell them that I don't even go to that school. But still, my girlfriend has an interest in theatre and it would be interesting to see how she develop as an actress herself.

And a shout out to her, I want to thank her for holding me when I needed someone and being that pillar for me. She is the one that tells me that everything is going to be okay and I'm in a roller coaster ride with her where we get away with things and no one ever seem to find out what. And even if they did, they don't have any evidence to stick and leaves us with nothing but false accusations.

I Love You. (To her and everyone else who supports me)

I Love You.

To Alcohol, Crashes and Bashes with the stories that all Theatres hold true to their word. This is their prayer that the art we create is one that we pray will somehow free all of us one way or another.

Amen.

I just have to say that I've been very angry lately.

Inside.

I didn't snub anyone, you just gave up.

And if you don't want to care anymore, you can get the fuck out!

I don't care what my father says, I don't care what you say, GET THE FUCK OUT!

To You Laborers

You did a good job! I know I did to...

if I got a job...

ahahahahaha!

Yay!

Happy Labors Day!
(no one is suppose to wear white on this day, I wonder why...)

I don't know what it is but its there.

Me and my significant other spent our 5th month together and we were confounded about what we were going to do together.

So we decided we'll just take the moment and I'll just go see her after she's done with her project with her friends.

We ended up making beautiful sketches for each other in a corner after munching on Old Chang Kee. I drew her one in her notebook, she drew one in mine and I was the best prize on her wheel of life.

I drew her angels and what's beyond that.

Oh, and I gave her a flower. A red flower. I think its a daisy. But it was nonetheless, a red flower.

This is the red flower I bought for her. Credits to her amazing photography skills. She's one of the best I've known because she makes things so much prettier.

We sat in the corner eating treats and drawing sketches of each other and whatever our imagination drives us into. Hers was a game, mine was made of Angels.

I love Ben And Jerry's!

Ahahahahaha! And I especially love it when I they annually have a day where they give free ice cream cones to the masses of people who come flooding in for free ice cream and having not being able to spend money on ice cream, I just feel so glad to be able to eat free good ice cream.

And a funny thing happened while I was getting my Chocolate Temptation ( I almost had an orgasm placing my lips on that absolutely sinful chocolate, mind you.), the girl serving me suddenly came and said

"Hey! I remember you! You ordered the Belgium waffle thing *she remembered my order and I didn't* with that girl right?!"

And I said yeah, I was the exact same guy. And she asked me

"How are you and that girl?"

And I told her she's now my girlfriend and we high fived and then I left with my ice cream.

Hee... Sigh...

Forgotten and remembered memories like just reminds me on how happy I am right now and boy, it just tells me that all of it has been worth it. Really worth it in my life, and if I somehow drop dead, I say it'd be okay because I've got no regrets at all.

The Ice Cream girl remembered me from a distant memory and I told her I was the exact same person, except what come to pass in my life is worth its weight in gold and I've been happy. Much happier.

I was walking from my auditions today, wondering if I should stay out from the house or should I return home to get some rest. I didn't know because at the same time, I was singing to myself some inaudible song I made up in my head.

You know how you look at people around you and you sometimes catch their eye. Sometimes when they do that, they smile and you return it, feeling good about yourself and for them (hence the expression, serving up smiles). It's either that or they give you a cold stare that projects "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOU -insert profanity or desired swear word-?!" because you are probably having a better day at them (In Singapore, happy staring can sometimes get you killed if you stare for the unreadable wrong intentions).

And sometimes, they meet up with you and talk to you. I had that today.

It happened to me twice in fact, the first time I looked at someone, he told me he was studying genetics and after studying me for split seconds to great a magnitude to calculate, he told me that my heritage was of this region and that my ancestors were sea people of the South East Asian Peninsula, he was right. They were pirates, in fact.

Today, a man in a turban looked at me. I looked at him and I smiled, and he told me that I have a very lucky face. You can only imagine my confusion, skepticism and another expression I can't put my finger on rolled into one. He told me he was a professor studying horoscopes and reading stuff, so I guess his word could be credible. He says that June is a very lucky month for me and that the next five years is going to be the highlight of my life.

Should I believe him? Perhaps not because he is a total stranger, such as that geneticist, the could all be liars. But if a complete stranger who doesn't know you tells you your life behind you in concrete detail and tells you are going to be very lucky, you take his word for it.

There are people who try to make up for mistakes, deny them or give up on them, not realizing the hurt caused by the ones that look up to them. I was a victim of that and to have these strangers telling me these things, I'll take their word for it because they had the decency to at least give me comfort as battle my own demons and just move on in life.

Thank you good sir for telling me that today. Thank You.

As I walk past the stations, passing an endless sea of faces, each one with their own direction, a faces smiles for me and tells me I'm headed for the right direction.

Ahahahahahaha!

I'm over at Zahid's place right now cause I have and audition tomorrow and I thought it'd be better that I just be at his place just because I need to be at Tanjong Pagar at 11.00 in the morning tomorrow.

I need to pull something out of my ass just so I can get through the audition without a hitch.

Problem is I don't know if I can do the show seeing that I'm going to be in the army soon. Sigh.

That's okay. I earned 50 dollars in around 10 minutes and Zahid keeps complaining about my blog and his blog because he keeps looking at mine.

Ah well. We were losers having a typing competition on MSN when we know the both of us are right next to each other. ahahahaha!

I just love messing with him. He's such a pal.

Ah well.

We slept on the roof smoking hash and spelling out love under the stars. We woke up the next day wondering where are clothes are and why there's a traffic jam in front of his house.

I had my medical check up today and registration for enlistment and my word, that was one heck of an experience.

The medical records (in which details will be kept in confidentiality) are extensive and the procedures that has to be done are almost practically mind blowing.

And having to wake up early in the morning just to do that check up is exhausting and I can't believe I have the energy to somehow put up this blog post.

But I'm going to anyway because this is the first step where my life will change before I get to where I need to go.

I still feel the remnants of shittyness in me and reading my significant other's blog, I don't want her to feel all pent up, angry and depressed at the same time.

I guess she's right, we all need to get back on track in life. Well, the both of us anyway has to get on that bandwagon.

Still waiting for part time jobs and hoping to survive for the rest of the week, seeing that not a lot of people care anymore.

It's alright.

I stood by the gates of the army and breathed hard and long. It's time for me to grow up. How did it happen? How can I stop it? It just did and I can't stop it but something stayed on in my heart for as long as it could and it did.

There's been grill with me and my aunt at home.

And my sister's been too busy so I'll leave her to what she needs to do for her bright future ahead of her.

Dad's not at home (typical) and Mom's far away so I decided I didn't want to be at home cause my aunt said she couldn't care less so there.

Ain had a fabulous birthday surprise yesterday and I'm so happy to be a part of that. I took a step back and I looked at how her life is and I told myself, she deserved this. She had made such an impact on the friends around her and she couldn't ask more from all of this. It beats any MTV Sweet Sixteen and so what if she didn't get a fancy car or two or had a huge smashing party with people she didn't know.

MTV doesn't know what's she's missing. She truly had Sweet surprise and its all because of the impact that she had on all her friends and family. Happy 20th to Ain (Ain-stein) and I'm ever grateful that we've crossed paths so many years ago (three years ago in fact). To art, Mr. Faizal and asking random question in quest for new friends and older acquaintances, we're going to make it big one day and we'll be together for the ride. All of us (Zahid, Ayuni, Fifie and everyone else along our ride)

I'm over at Zahid's right now and I'm grateful for his support for having me over at 3.00am in the morning. He's the best, truly and we find ourselves wondering how we came to be together and how we really wouldn't be where we are right now if it wasn't for each other. Wow... ever since we went together for flag day on all the soccer matches, guitar attempts and boy talks about girls and the future. About how we're going to be the first ones to know that we're both going to be dads and how we don't know what the road ahead of us lay before.

And how he helped me put things into focus and perspectives and how he's there to agree and disagree about my sucky life. And how my sucky life helped him be grateful of his family and how fortunate he is.

And Ayuni, I want to shout out and thank her for putting up with me last week after my traumatic events of angry mothers and bewildered aunts over the things I've done. You were the shoulder and I understand that you have your own life to live but thank you for being there and I hope that I'll be able to return the favor again one day.

And Wahidah, you're the beacon of light at the end of my dark tunnel and your the other hand that holds up that torch along with my other friends. Aside from being my significant other, your ultimately also the greatest friends that any guy could ever have and you have created such a great big impact in my life, it left a crater in my heart that blooms beautiful flowers, alongside with the other craters created by my other closest friends where beautiful things grow.

Friends come and go but family stays with you forever? You guys are so much more like my family right now than my actual family and you guys will always be in my heart no matter what the future holds for us. You guys are the familiar faces in the halls that wave and said hi, I know that I'm not alone in the hall.

Friend do come and go but some stay with you forever, they become more than just friends. He's the brother I never had, Thank You Zahid (don't cry on me now, I'm close to tears now just so you know.)

I just hope the family around me don't estrange from me. I'm here, just so you know. okay?

We sneaked out and laid down under a blanket of stars. We're all at the crossroads of our destinies and we all knew that even though we're all from everywhere, we find ourselves at home with each other and we're all blessed to be with each other.

There's a hidden "We" in Friends Forever. Look hard enough and you'll find it.

Its been a brand new week.

It has been a brand new week and honestly speaking, I haven't changed my feeling for one little bit after the weight on my shoulders have been brought up from me after awhile.

I can't explain it but I feel so angry towards things that I can't explain.

I can say I've been pissed of by my dad for making me realize how ineffective he is at times. I must say I must have been angry at my aunt for doing such a terrible job in keeping an eye or at least raise me and my sister the "best" she can.

Or perhaps I've just been angry at myself for failing myself at certain points in my life.

Two questions pop out of my head when I ask this:

1. Was it my fault?

2. Have I been a fool to hold on to something for myself that I knew I could never really get back, and that everything is never going to be the same ever again. And I've been a fool for being so good to them, that I myself got nothing out of it.

I've been confused, empty, angry. I've been over analyzing things to make sense of it.

Was it me? Was it them?

I've been holding on to the exact words my girlfriend has been telling me and that everything is going to be alright. That we are going to be okay and I believe every word that she says.

All I know that nothing is ever going to be the same ever again.

And I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose so much with this knowledge and yet, when I try to hold on, all I see is myself not gaining anything and that I'm coming out of this weak and have nothing in my hands at the end of the day.

The only things I've got are my friends and from the looks of it, I could only count on them for this moment in time.

Thank You, and I'll return you what I can give back. I'll be there whenever you need me and I'll get back to you when I can.

A tear rolled down my eye in the cubicle and I scribbled on the wall "I hate you dad. You tell me if all this was worth it after all." It's so typical of you to give up on me, like you gave up my mother. I only hope that you're satisfied and happy and you could live with that for the rest of your life.

It's been a long and hard week for The Silly Boy.

This Silly Boy knows enough sense to jeopardize the future for The Little Girl he loves.

This Silly Boy loves the Little Girl so much, he'd want the best for her and he'd want to share his best with her for the long paved road that the both of them will travel.

This Silly Boy wants to see the world and have a great adventure with The Little Girl, where silly mishaps and little adventures brighten up their lives ahead of them.

This Silly Boy loves The Little Girl, with his every living heartbeat.

(and if The Little Girl drops her purse into the deepest pit in hell, he'll gladly go to hell and back with her scorched wallet and the neoprints that she keeps in it)

I have finally severed all ties that brings me down and I've got to tell you, it feels great!

I have so much energy in me that I can't wait to bring back justice like a black girl. And I can't wait to start something new, something fresh. Something me!

I'm going to start somewhere based upon my influences and I'm ready to go crazy fresh for things to happens.

I'm gonna be ready for things to come and I hope to take you along with me on this journey.

I love you guys and I believe in all of you. And I just hope that every single one of you believe in me.

I went all black on them and they didn't know me.

My White Rose Bloomed Today...

Yesterday was a good day.

I have to tell you, although I only had like only 3 hours of sleep because I was up watching Cartoon Network's Grim Adventures Of Billy And Mandy (don't ask why), it's one of those really exceptional days where you know nothing could go wrong.

I had breakfast with my beloved aunt who takes care of me and my sister when she's actually around and I had prata after a long time in the morning and it was heavenly. You know how you miss a certain flavor after a long time and you finally taste it again. I had that feeling yesterday and it was heavenly.

After which, I hit the beach to celebrate my 4th month with my dearest girlfriend and we had a blast! We lounged at the beach talking, joking, imaging the future, teasing, swimming and reliving childhood liberations that we couldn't do because our parents told us to behave ourselves. We still do behave ourselves and are constantly being told to behave ourselves so yeah.

And it was a good day walking around the island resort, although we aren't tourist and we don't have that much cash with us. It didn't matter. We had fun and that's what is most important of it all.

At the sunset, Wahidah did the sweetest thing that no one has ever done for me before and it all made sense all of a sudden. After she came back from her trip from Langkawi, I noticed she's been reading on how to learn sign language and I was suspicious with a dash of paranoia because I didn't understand the sudden interest in taking up sign language. And right there, at the sunsets as we witnessed it (it wasn't the best sunset because the clouds were in the way) and she signed language me two songs that meant so much about us. She also gave me a bouquet of flowers that signified us and even though she missed out on one flower, it was okay because that significance meant something to me that I truly wanted for the both of us. Ever lasting friendship, no matter what.

(I swear to god, the language of flowers part almost made me cry)

It was a good day. Sun, sand, Japanese food, Sky rides and trails with the tacky attractions really did make it wonderful.

Its been a phenomenal four months for me and Wahidah. And I thank her for being there for me through these hard months. I love you and thank you so much for being there for me.

And I need to call my mother, I haven't talked to her since last year and me missing her is a pang for me right now...

Wow...

The last few days have been hectic and I am so glad to finally have an off day for myself. Funny thing is that I was on the threshold of over exhaustiveness and stress which began exactly last week on the exact same day.

The stress that amount to it caused a bit of a bump with me and the girlfriend but I'm glad on how quickly we cleared it up. I guess its because the both of us realize how open our communication is to each other and we don't hold back on what's important to the both of us. I know we cannot be honest over everything but at least we don't hold back on the important things.

I missed out on a few important thing this week too. I missed out hanging with me best mate, I missed out hanging out with me best mate's ex-girlfriend (okay, that seemed weird but that's alright because she's a great friend to hang out with) and I miss hanging out with my sister. I have not seen over the week because she too has been gone for over the week and I only got to see her today.

So I woke up today at 3.00pm. I got home around 4 after a drink with the technical side of theatre and I stayed up just checking out on my online life. My last post that is suppose to notify my absence fucked up and I was too fucked up to even bother updating it so yeah... I've been gone a week where I was only trying to figure out how to light a stage on fire. The first time failed, the second time I was successful and the last time I did it, it was magnificent. It sparked me to learn a bit more about pyrotechnics.

(I got a threat where if I don't burn the stage, they'll burn my hair and I'd go to hell and back just to save my hair)

So yeah... Backstage Pass is the upcoming project before I sever all ties from Lasalle. I'll do that and then, I'd be on my way to wherever I need to be.

The girlfriend has been on a shopping spree and I want a shopping spree too but a shopping spree requires money and money only comes once a week for me unless I get income coming in. So yah! And girlfriend says that if she doesn't get what she needs to get she say she will dig into my pot of gold and use it to go to America and get a lawyer degree.

I need to either earn more money or just start dressing up like a hobo to show her how pathetically poor I am. No lah... Just kidding. I'll invest in something that would benefit both parties and I'm sure her mom wouldn't want me to support her entire college education (although I believe that deep inside her, she secretly wishes that some other source of money would support her daughter's college education... hmmm~)

Or we'll just see how the whole thing works out. Like her, I've got a clear path ahead of me after I pass my commitments so yeah, I'm ready for it.

And Clark in Sarajevo was such an awesome show. Thank you the cast and the crew for everything and the experience. I would like to audition and try myself again in Lasalle, this time, for an acting degree.

Clark realized he was bleeding from the chest. I was the evil eye who put an end to his misery for there is no such thing as a Superman, only men with money and a monopoly of tiny little soldier to whom their lives mean nothing but the balance between everything and nothing at all.

I won't be on an update for awhile due to the poster that you see before you up there.

All I can say is going out on birthday bash while setting up for this show is a bad idea and a worst constitution to one's being.

But I have to thank my girlfriend for being so supportive and understanding over what I'm going through the week. And I promise to kiss and make up for the week.

So breathe, heave and pull the rigging before sand trickle down on you hair and it becomes a bitch to wash it.

Aah~

It's the long weekend but it isn't so much a long weekend for me though because I am in so much demand! Shit!

The video job just had to be like a week before I bump in and everything is crammed into the weekend, I got overbooked and Debbie from the SRT has been grilling me over FOH.
Seriously speaking, its like child labor over there because I paid good money for training and I don't know if they realize that.

Anyway, I managed to cover that on Thursday because an angel called Cara came down to my aid and I owe her like my career soul to her and I should be on her beck and call for one favor that she might need from me. What a pal!

I had a dinner with my girlfriend as soon as I was done with the first day of the shoot and we both got lost spacing out on a slab of concrete in the middle of a field, watching cars go by and waving goodbye for no apparent reason.

The places she brings me, the things that we do... We'll just come to think, where the hell did we get all that energy for and perhaps we do not want that privilege to see each other as much as we want to. The secrecy is such a turn on and it tingles my sense just experiencing it.

It's effort earned and I love every moment of it all.

Stoned, I kissed her goodbye and her face stuck on to my image as I wander off home.

Stranger Than Fiction is now showing on HBO and its up to you to look when the dates and days that they are showing off this movie.

But I have to say that after recent events, I guess I could say that this movie places things in perspectives and I find myself in a cornerstone of my life where I know I cannot go wrong unless I do something dumb like say, sell drugs on the street or start pimping girls at sixteen to give sexual pleasure to older men.

But aside the dumb things, I made a decision and a little fairy with a red balloon and a green umbrella told me that what's ahead is only bound to be better than where I was before.

So I could be what I want to be now and I'll be diligent for it. I saw Harold Crick as he lived his life knowing of his untimely and ultimate death. He lived and he willingly gave himself to death because he knew that his "untimely death" would be evermore significant to the world.

So to those out there who are unhappy and in despair. Watch the movie and take a turn for yourself, the road ahead is going to be scary soon after, not assured but I believe in you on every step in the way and I believe in you.

Thank you TA4A for what's its worth.

He stood by the gates watching the faces walk past him. He knew that he was not going to be a part of those halls anymore and Locker 21 stood empty, the door hanging on its hinges. He breathed. He breathed again and the air has never felt so clear.

Okay...

Here's just a few things that's bothering me at this moment in time.

1. I'm on MTV for all the wrong reasons. I was in Fort Canning for INCUBUS! Fucking INCUBUS! Not bloody Saosin! So why show me at the Saosin segment god damn it! Aaargh! Malu you know!

2. I need to start writing and I'll be doing that tonight.

A. I miss my girlfriend and she hasn't called yet but I'm sure she's having and had a great holiday abroad.

So yah... I just can't let go of the MTV thing... Its not as flattering as you want it to be because I was there for Incubus. Anyhow, still feels great to be on television.

You have been afroed by MTV and it will not stop till I sprout out another one after the Army. And women will weep when the day comes I shave my head for the Army.

If they don't. I will.

That's it. I've made my decision based on two posts ago.

And honestly speaking, as confident as I appear to be as I make my decision. I'm frightened by the very decision that I've made ahead of me.

Because I expected things to go as they should have gone. But it didn't and I'm so afraid to what lay ahead of me.

This year was supposed to be a good year because last year was shitty enough as it is. And I'm so afraid of what lies ahead of me.

I'm afraid that I'll never make it, that I'll never get to where I want to eventually, that I'll never be able to make it because of reasons I can't explain.

Heck, nothing was suppose to go as you expected it to be. Least of the times anyway.

I'm just so afraid right now and I just want things to just stop or be done with right now.
I want my parents by my side for this because I need to be there for other people.

I need to be there for my sister. I need to be there for everyone who relies on me.
I need to be there for my responsibilities.

But is there anyone out there for me?

I asked Joe if everything is going to be okay. He told me he didn't know.

Wooohoooo!

-Ouch.

The Incubus Gig has been the highlight of my gig adventures and so far, so good for my string of this year's gigs. A good start in that retrospect. And I loved every minute of March 7th, 2008.

Anyways, the gig adventure started off with me cutting the extra class because I've been skipping classes anyway but aside from my problems, I managed to be in the queue by 11.30pm with lunch in hand and I have to say, base on the response by the queue, the people are not very hyped up for it, but it doesn't matter because I was on a spot where I was pretty confident that I would be right at the barrier.

And look, no offense to Saosin lovers out there, but in my opinion, I find it ridiculous that we have Saosin fans right at the front of a queue where Incubus is the main show. I don't think you would pay a good $100++ just to see the opening band play. Funny thing I noticed that I was the only one wearing a freaking Incubus shirt. Like, what the hell right? But no matter. We had Incubus fans at heart just to see their incredible music.

So I have to say I was like around 10-12 people away from people in front. I was later joined by Flint, the guitarist from Bismuth and we joined forces for we knew that we had friends joining us later in the queue while queuing from 11.30am till like around 6.40pm. As we waited, our friends slowly emerged from the abyss of Singapore, like an ant finding home somewhere out there whilst its lost and trying to find its Incubus home back in Fort Canning. (this excludes every single Saosin Fan). In due process whilst waiting, Ain burned a know away from my hair, soon Flint's friend HQ and his girlfriend Inch (sorry if I get the names wrong if you're reading this), joined us and we played Cluedo and the furthest we reached was just setting up the game. Then we played Boggle and then we played Taiti and we gamble and I lost. So I owe Ain money but I managed to burn the boredom away.

At around 5-6, we became a gateway to all our friends friends who wanted to be in front. I have to say, I was disappointed that some people cut the queue just to get in front cause there's a lot of hard work and there should be some courtesy in certain aspects you know? But what the hell... I got to around about 2nd Row on the metal piece of the barrier and I was able to anchor myself around that barrier. I met the other twins (not my cousins) and they recognized me and I recognized them and they touch my hair and I had to anchor to anchor myself behind the darker twin (the one wearing the black shirt) and I was like holding on to the barrier to like stop the crowd from sandwiching me tightly on to the barrier with the darker twin between me and the barrier. I solely apologize if I hurt ya in someway or another but its a gig and things happened. Like people squeezing like as if they think they can go through people and situate themselves in the front.

Saosin was the opening band and I know that Thanesh, my dear buddy, would go through heaven and hell to come to Singapore and watch them and I recognized only one of their songs, so not entirely a fan (okay, not a fan at all, just an avid listener), and I have to honestly say that the opening was quite disappointing. The music was what Saosin would sound like but I could hardly hear the vocals and me, who wants to watch Incubus, is just dying to watch them play so hearing them was like "A Vacant Affair" (pardon the pun but I just can't help it)

And then came Incubus, and it was an epic entrance with Quicksand and watching the whole band play was like breathing on an ecstasy and you can just imagine yourself getting lost in their music and just flying. That opening act was a drug and I absolutely emulate myself in their performance and I would just love to jam like them one of these days. Seeing Brandon do his thing and the field of pedals from Mike. Mike is my new guitar hero. Seeing him work those pedals was like "You can do that Magic?". And seeing DJ Kilmore just over ambitions me to want to play the turntable. Incubus is just like Linkin Park but much better because at least we know that the DJ participates. Ahahaha... You know I love you Linkin Park for you guys are my passport to the world of rock where I left behind my boyband and Aqua days.

And I salute the security for being the best ever! You guys were the nicest and toughest and the best ever and I wish Singaporean Security would stop acting like bouncers because if you want to be bouncers, join a club. Anyway, the security were great in pulling out the shitty people I end up with. I don't understand why I always find myself with tweeny concert virgins who think that just because their younger and probably richer and think that there's such a thing about courtesy in a gig. They were the greatest bunch of security guys ever. They all look like wrestlers by the way. Woohoo!

My back hurts today and I feel like an elephant stepped on my back and did the macarena. So cheers. And let me heal my back.

He emulates Incubus as he got lost in their ecstasy. And then he threw a shoe at an social escort because they were too close to the emulation.