Faces In The Halls

I don't know how'd you see this post but this is what I somewhat believe of the course that my life runs in the years that come and past.

Eversince the divorce that forever changed my life, I noticed a pattern that runs through till this day (or this year). Every alternate year that occurs in my life, something really bad happens and it gets me down to the real dumps that it gets me down into a real depression that I somehow cannot break away from. Say since my secondary 2 year, the year just doesn't seem right and I was down, really down and i just can't break away from the fact that something's bringing me down.

Secondary 4, it was my o level year and despite me trying to rise up from that deep, dark black down that is this depression, i just can't seem to pick myself up that well. I had a break up on that year. Something that torn me apart and placed me in places that seem unsteady and unsure.

This year is at this moment in time. My course got fucked, like according to the 2nd post that you'd have read previously. I misplaced my wallet that cramped my in my situation as of right now. My laptop has broken down twice and now, is suffering from a very old virus. Things have been piling up my back with decisions and unfortunates that sometimes I really wanna break down and just crumble.

I can get through all this, I know I can. Only one thing just brings me down everytime I try to get through it. My family or really, my parents to be in fact.

Every single time I push and penetrate through this weight, I always look out and reach out my hand for help but no one's there to grab me in time. I have to be honest, I am jealous of my friends who still have my parents to look forward to every single time they go home. I am angry every single time ANY of my friends despise or hate their parents because they have no idea how fortunate they are to still have them supporting them and being in their lives before they start a new one independant. I don't have that previlige. I have to go through a cycle where I am dependant on the resources that I can grasp on from my father or mother. In addition to that, I yearn for their love and affection due to the distances that is between us.

I sometimes think that the decision for divorce was a selfish one, one that was meant to tear up someting from me and Gadis all for the sake of being happy. But when I think about it, maybe it would have been worse if both my parents stuck together 4 years ago. I sometimes take it in and accept the decision that my parents make because this was for their happiness in the end and if they were happy, i'm sure they yearn to make the victims of this situation happy to and compromise the situation where all of us can still be comfortable.

But every alternate year, I can't see this working at all. That the sacrifice that I made for them doesn't seem worth it because every single time I come back home, I'm alone. Everytime I come back home, its just me and my sister trying to struggle through times that I believe my parents need to be around. But they aren't, are they?

It just doesn't seem right when i think about it. But during this holy month, there's a reason for everything that happens. There's a strive, to suck it up and pick your self up and move on and make up with life because it will bound to be much better and I pray with whatever prayer i make every single day that it will turn out to be much better than before.

I'll pray, and I'll pick it up and move on.

There was too much homework today and I crumbled near the water fountain. None of the faces stopped to help pick me up.